Happy Super Bowl

Today is the Super Bowl. I should be excited. I'm really not. I don't really care all that much about football. I tolerate it because my family likes it. I have homework to do today. This is the first year in a long time that it is just my husband and I home to watch the Super Bowl. I'm working hard to get my homework done so that we can watch it together.
As our daughter was leaving to go to her Youth Super Bowl Party, my husband stated he had a surprise that he was going to do this year but then decided he wasn't going to do it. yay... I love these surprises (insert sarcasm) I couldn't get it out of him at all. I love surprises. I would've loved to have a surprise at this moment in time too because I'm at a point right now that I feel like nobody really cares about me.
I mean, sure I have "friends". I have Facebook friends and Instagram friends. I have college friends and a few church friends. But I don't have those few people who I can count on for anything. Those people who I can text any time or call any time and say, let's meet for coffee or could you pray for this for my family. I don't have friends that I can tell my secrets to or share my thoughts with. And if I did, I don't know if I would ever know what to do with that friend. I've never really had a friend like that. Every friend that I've had has either sunk away to my past or stabbed me in the back or turned their backs on me for some reason or another. Some were high school friends who thought that me having a baby would change our friendship (it did. They are merely acquaintances now). Some were christian friends who I thought I could become very close to but were upset because of things that happened in the past that weren't left there. While other's just keep their distance and only come around when they feel the need for interactions.
For once in my life, I wish that life would slow down enough that I could have people in my life to share it with. I'm so tired of feeling so all alone all the time. I'm tired of feeling like my life doesn't matter to other people. I'm tired of being constantly put on the back burner. I'm tired of being the one to constantly reach out to other people and making the effort to keep relationships alive somewhat, when they don't make the effort on their end. I'm tired of feeling left out. I'm tired of being beaten down every second that I get of ever single day. I'm tired of the responsibility of being the lead person in everybody's life. Where is my lead person? Where is someone I can lean on? Where is someone I can depend on to carry me through the hard times and walk with me through the good times? Why do I feel like I was shafted in that department?I don't want to carry everyone. It is a lot of pressure on me and draining and just plain hurts.
People wonder why I don't talk to anyone or sit by myself off to the side all the time. I think that it is mostly because with most of the friends I have made, I have been betrayed in one way or another. I have been told that I do this to myself. However, if you have been through what I have been through, you would understand.
You see, I come from a good family. However, I have always felt alone. When I was a little girl, I would get anxiety when I went to school because I was bullied at school. My mom didn't know about the bullying part in elementary school. I'm not sure she even suspected it after I was hit in the face with a swing on purpose when I was in the third grade. I stayed back in third grade. Not because my grades were bad, they were. But because my mom thought I was too immature to go onto fourth grade. This was friendship mistake number one. Anyone who I had possibly made friends with, I lost because I got kept back a grade and had to make new friends.
In the 8th grade, we moved to Alaska, where I met friends and lost friends and made some more friends. I had boyfriends. One of which I was very fond of until his parents found out I was a freshman in high school and he was a senior. We moved back home and the people who said they were my friends in middle school, assumed we were friends in high school. The difference was that I was different. I had been through a lot and I lived a different life for two years. I wasn't the same person who I was when I left. Nobody understood though. Not even my own mother. I couldn't explain it to her either because it was her decision to come home. I think that's what sent me spiraling. Nobody understood me. They didn't know what I had experienced in Alaska and they didn't know the real me. That's probably why I had no friends at my 16th birthday party.
The years went on and I struggled to keep friends. I thought I would get close to a friend and some kind of argument arose. Then we would fade away. I've had a few friends that I've remained friends throughout the years but nobody that I could really say was my best friend. It really feels lonely.
I feel so alone a lot of the time.
So here we are Super Bowl night and I'm shut up in my office, working on Medical Law homework. He's playing video games in the living room. We have no friends that want to party with us. We have no money to party, even if we wanted to. So hold your friends close. Party like it's the late nineties. Root for your team. Enjoy your night. Then when it's all over, think of your friends who aren't really your friends. Think of others who are kind of friends. Think of where they are tonight and what they are doing. Be thankful that you have a tribe of friends to share things with and to hang out with and to enjoy each other's company.
Then think of people that you see around you. See that lady sitting by herself after service at church on her phone? Maybe she is just waiting for someone to come talk with her. Anyone. Maybe she doesn't know how to socialize anymore because she has been out of the game for so long. Maybe she is feeling insecure and doesn't know how to approach others. Maybe she is all alone and needs a hug or an acknowledgement that someone cares. Maybe, just maybe, she needs an invitation to share her story.
My story is long. It comes to me in bits and pieces when I type. I know that I have a history. I know what kind of marriage I have been living in. I know what I have been through with my husband's depression. I know that when I put my family first and let go of the friends who I thought were friends, that I was taking a risk that I know I had to fight to get back. I'm willing to fight. I'm looking for friends. I'm looking for good, christian friends who are prayer warriors. Women who want to take the chance to come along side me and hear my full story.Women who are willing to listen, pray and help me figure out what my next step in life is. I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of my chest always aching because I see people who have friends and go for coffee or have lunch together on a weekly basis or go to each other's house for coffee or just text or facetime. I want friends. I want to feel happy. I want to feel like my life means something other than taking care of my family and doing what is right by them. I want to feel like everything is in it for a reason and that I can share that with people who really truly care about me.
So now that I've ranted and complained and shed some tears on my friendship journey, I'm going to leave it at this. I'm done for now. Enjoy your Super Bowl evening. Enjoy your time with your friends. Thanks for reading...

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