Thanksgiving

Today is Thanksgiving. I'm very thankful for all I have and that I was able to provide for our family today. However, that feeling of sadness and feeling of not being enough has been upon me today. I feel that I've been guilted because I "over did what I did for dinner." It made me feel horrible when I was told that. I felt like I was being shamed for the food I was making. It felt like it was the end of the world and frankly it broke my heart. I worked hard all day to make this amazing meal for my family and I was shamed for it.
My daughter's fish died and has been dead for awhile, evidently. It was pretty much a skeleton at the bottom of the fish tank. That just goes to show me that our other daughter wasn't keeping track of the fish when she was "feeding" them. I felt so bad having to fish it out of the tank. I only knew that because I was changing the filter in the tank.
I noticed that a picture was taken out of the picture frame it was in, in my kitchen. I was saddened by that because, who does that. I asked everyone in our family. When I asked our youngest, I started crying about it because it is a special picture and it makes me smile. Turns out, my husband took it out of the frame and brought it into the bedroom. Who knows what he's going to do with it.
Tomorrow we are supposed to put up our Christmas tree. I'm not sure how that will go. Christmas is always a bitter season for me. It used to be my favorite holiday and now it just makes me want to cry. It's especially difficult for me this year because things seem to be going back to be like it was when he was depressed before.
I'm so exhausted in this part of the life. I know God is there and is walking me through this. However, I want to be happy again. I miss it. I want friends. People I can confide in. People who ask me out for coffee. People who want to be around me and spend time with me and really mean it.

I'm very thankful that this day is almost over.

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