Happiness


So, I'm not gonna lie, I'm still struggling. Lately, everyday has been a struggle. Christmas is coming and we don't have money for presents, let alone food. Our big kids are coming home from college. Birthdays are about to explode. I can't seem to get my heart off the floor. I kid you not, I started crying in the Walmart today. When I go out in public, I try to put my smile on. I try as hard as I can. Sometimes I try to look like I'm lost in my own world focusing on this or that at the store so. I don't have to interact with other people I know. Other times I try to interact because I don't want people to. Feel sorry for me or to think that I'm looking for attention. For real though, I'm totally looking for the opposite. I'm looking for seclusion. I want to hide. On the inside, my heart is breaking, at times I feel numb, and I often wonder, what's the point of living in this world? I know God will bring me home when it's my time. Sometimes I pray for my time to come sooner because I am tired of living constantly with a lump in my throat, or feeling that I'm not wanted. Or even feeling that even though I'm going to college and am supposed to be making that my priority, I'm letting everyone down.
So I go on. Each day I go on. I force myself to smile. I try to make the world a little happier around me because it is important to my family. I focus on my husband to make sure he doesn't fall into a deep depression again. I focus on our daughter to make her feel like everything is okay in life. I try to make them feel that life goes on for another day. I go through the motions of the day because I know that's what I have to do. I have to be the strong one. I can't let down my guard. I can't let down my happy face. I cry my silent tears alone so nobody knows just how much my heart aches and just how much I feel that I've let everyone down.
If you have a friend who seems like they are always happy, check in with them. Talk with them. Invite them out. It may help them out in the long run.


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