When I was 17, I felt like my life was worthless. I didn't have anything to live for and I felt that nobody really cared for me. My mom was pregnant again with her fifth child. (Yes we all have the same parents) I was a senior in high school. I hated who I'd become. My younger sister and I would do dishes at night. If there were any sharp knives, I would press them into my wrist. Just the sensation alone felt good to me. It made me feel better, even if it was just for a moment. I never really drew blood and I only did that in places where there were wrinkles in my body so they weren't noticeable at all. Nobody even noticed.
The day I contemplated ending my life as I knew it still remains strong in my memories, even after 23 years. I was in my room and I had just had enough of life. I didn't feel like anyone was listening to what I had to say or paying attention to my needs.
I was sitting on the floor in my room, contemplating slitting my wrists with a pair of scissors. Yes a pair of scissors. My mom is a crafter and always made sure her scissors were sharp. I had the blade to my wrist and my two year old sister walks into the room. Instantly, I knew then that if I killed myself that day, she wouldn't have a role model to grow up to. I didn't want her to see me as the failure that I felt but I didn't want to really kill myself anymore either. I put the scissors down and grabbed her and hugged her as tight as I could.
My story doesn't stop there though. I continued to battle with depression, dullness in life, a feeling of emptiness, and loneliness. It was a daily struggle and continues to be to this day.
Don't look at my story as a cry for help. I am writing this story to maybe help others to see that people struggle and hide it. I didn't die that day. Do I wish I did? Maybe that day I wished I had. But there have been so many events that have happened since then that I wouldn't trade for the world.
So, today, ask yourself this. Is there anyone out there who looks as though they are trying to be happy? Is there someone who always seems like they have a smile on their face? If so, talk with them. Interact with them. Find out their true story. It may not be as happy as you'd think. Sometimes, all we need is someone who will listen to us.